New Year

The year started with a bang, or at least with one of my friends crouched over the toilet. I'm not much into New Year's resolutions. I don't know why but they just never seem to get done. But this New Year what I want is very simple: to do whatever is in my power to make myself happy because one day I'm going to have everything I want. I would rather start now than some years down the line. I do think it's possible for people to have all that they want and need. I just think that a lot of people have illusions of what they think they really want and need. It's important to know the difference between the two. For me, what I want most and need most is a home. A place where I can paint the walls, filled with love, friends, animals. A place that is a sanctuary for me and for the ones I love. And I know that every step I take is in that direction, I'd just rather go the quick route. So this year I'm going to get my life more on track, which of course means more updates because writing makes me happy.

Do you have any New Year's resolutions? Or lifelong goals?

A Story Told in Pictures

Why is Ariel standing by the door?


(gasp!) Ariel didn't create a post for today. For shame!


No, she and Dominique are running off to get his eyes checked and later...books!


Hmm. A box full of books, eh? If only. . .


Oh well. Puppies make everything better.


Isn't she cute?

Misspent Youth (86)

(My ears don't really stick out like that, it's just the headdress.)

You know, at first I didn't really want to write this. I suppose because I feel/felt it is too personal or might come off as some sort of sob story. I think I'm a much happier person now than I was when I was younger and they do say the more you talk about something, the more it gets off your chest, and the lighter you feel.

I spent a lot of my youth doing what I thought was expected of me, what I "should" do and very little of what I needed to do. I was too quiet about some things. This lead to all sorts of problems as time went on. I learned first hand how keeping things in could be a problem.

Of course all teenagers have their angst, their periods of ups and downs (and I guess I'm still in it, being 19) but sometimes things that you write off like that go deeper. I'm not going to say that I was abused but I did live in an emotional environment where I felt that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter. Couple that with my idealistic nature and you end up with a very sensitive girl who tries her damndest to be perfect to be worthy of love. I still struggle with those feelings, those "why doesn't he love me?" feelings.

But after the summer before my freshman year of college I realized that no matter if I did what I should, it really wasn't gonna please anyone, or at least not those who mattered to me. That summer was filled with angry phone calls, old paper work, lawyers, betrayal. . .In a way it seemed like a soap opera to me. Someone else's life. Something I would watch on tv. How could someone who loved me rip the earth from under my feet? I was in a position where I would have to succumb entirely to Should in order to be loved or go off in the opposite direction, towards what I needed and see what happened.

I abandoned Should. It wasn't doing me a lick of good. After years of Should I realized I had come no further than when I had set out. In fact, I'd gone back a few paces. It has been an uphill battle, addressing my wants and my needs, speaking up when I'm so used to falling silent. And while I can't say that opening my mouth has caused me no pain, I do think it's for the best. It's been thrilling. I guess I'm living my teen years now (to my mother's mortification.)

Still I look back at those days in middle school and in high school and I think, If only I had spoken up about how I felt--- But I'm learning to let it go. I did my best. I really did do my best.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I want to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving and many more! This Thanksgiving I am thankful for all the food I'll be eating (ham, actually. Not turkey) and for the roof over my head, for the clothes on my body and for having the ability to experience life fully. Most of all, I'm thankful for all the people who love me.

Writer's Block

Sometimes I feel so uninspired. I suppose because I often feel as if my life is uninspiring. This is the hang up of many people who would otherwise be creative. I think it's important though, to be able to take an otherwise boring life and spice it up with things from within your own head. To not sink into normalcy simply because that's what surrounds you.

What really got me started on this vein of thought was the movie Cry Baby. It's a great movie to watch when you feel down in the dumps and generally so bored with life you're willing to sink in and be monotone. It's a silly movie, as many parodies are but it's more than that. The main character, Cry Baby leads a group of juvenile delinquents. These are people who love to have fun, who aren't afraid to be "wild". They are essentially rebelling against a society that forces people to be tame but the awesome thing about them is that don't take themselves seriously. They have fun with it. I adore the movie for that. Johnny Depp helps too. (laughs)

At any rate, there are some things to do when you're feeling crappy:

• Immerse yourself in things that inspire you, for me it's an autumn day and some good music.
• Surround yourself with things that make you happy. It could be a stuffed animal or a favorite book.
• Most importantly, try to challenge yourself. Strive to reinvent yourself everyday so that your outside matches your inside and so that the things you do match who you are. Create!
  

And now I am off to take my own advice!