Nov 24, 2007

Misspent Youth (86)


(My ears don't really stick out like that, it's just the headdress.)

You know, at first I didn't really want to write this. I suppose because I feel/felt it is too personal or might come off as some sort of sob story. I think I'm a much happier person now than I was when I was younger and they do say the more you talk about something, the more it gets off your chest, and the lighter you feel.

I spent a lot of my youth doing what I thought was expected of me, what I "should" do and very little of what I needed to do. I was too quiet about some things. This lead to all sorts of problems as time went on. I learned first hand how keeping things in could be a problem.

Of course all teenagers have their angst, their periods of ups and downs (and I guess I'm still in it, being 19) but sometimes things that you write off like that go deeper. I'm not going to say that I was abused but I did live in an emotional environment where I felt that my thoughts and feelings didn't matter. Couple that with my idealistic nature and you end up with a very sensitive girl who tries her damndest to be perfect to be worthy of love. I still struggle with those feelings, those "why doesn't he love me?" feelings.

But after the summer before my freshman year of college I realized that no matter if I did what I should, it really wasn't gonna please anyone, or at least not those who mattered to me. That summer was filled with angry phone calls, old paper work, lawyers, betrayal. . .In a way it seemed like a soap opera to me. Someone else's life. Something I would watch on tv. How could someone who loved me rip the earth from under my feet? I was in a position where I would have to succumb entirely to Should in order to be loved or go off in the opposite direction, towards what I needed and see what happened.

I abandoned Should. It wasn't doing me a lick of good. After years of Should I realized I had come no further than when I had set out. In fact, I'd gone back a few paces. It has been an uphill battle, addressing my wants and my needs, speaking up when I'm so used to falling silent. And while I can't say that opening my mouth has caused me no pain, I do think it's for the best. It's been thrilling. I guess I'm living my teen years now (to my mother's mortification.)

Still I look back at those days in middle school and in high school and I think, If only I had spoken up about how I felt--- But I'm learning to let it go. I did my best. I really did do my best.

10 comments:

paisley said...

you are at the perfect age to be realizing that and be taking a real stand for yourself.. the time is now.. seize it....

Robin said...

That's a lot of self-awareness for one so young. It will stand you in very good stead.

Madeleine said...

I could really relate to your moving post.
Mad Kane

gautami tripathy said...

Go, grab life, girl. You are at the perfect age for it!

Bess said...

I can tell you are doing your best with what you have now, thats all anyone can really do. And I think you tried your best then too.

varsenik said...

Hearts and hugs. I'm here with ya.

Anonymous said...

I remember that photo. It the was the first picture of you that you ever sent me. That was a pretty long time ago now but I still have it.

I hope I helped you do what is best for you.
I hope I can continue to do so.

I love you.

Kimchihead said...

Love is a crazy thing that don't make a lot of sense. It's irrational. The questions about love that start with "why" ain't ever gonna get answered because the whys can only be answered if the questions are rational.

thorns said...

That's too true.

Rachel said...

Go you.
*hugs*